So it’s been a pretty tough year. I moved out of home again with 2 “friends”. All started off well for the first couple of months, until we went on our holiday to Queensland. The holiday was great for the first 4 days, then it got shit. Nothing was good enough, I was treated like a child, from someone only 12 months older than me. So for the next 10 days, i did my best to keep to myself until we finally headed home.
I was so glad to be back and into my own space again. But nothing ever works out that way.
Our first house inspection came and after 8-9 hours of solid work i thought i was done, until a massive argument occurred. I was so angry. I held onto that anger for a whole week which made me physically ill.
Now im not a person who gets angry easily, well not anymore. From a young age, when I first started school i was heavily bullied. This went on for 10 years, which at the age of 15, i had enough. So i got mad, and very mad. I was always angry and it didn’t take much to set me off either. That anger followed me into my adulthood, when i worked full-time at Red Rooster. It’s not just me saying this, but every customer seems to treat you like shit, like you’re a piece of garbage. Which never made sense to me because i was making their food. I could have done anything to it!
So when I transitioned into being a carer for the disabled i re learned, patience and tolerance. And after quite a while i finally let my anger go. I had never been freer than i was then.
In early 2014 I moved out of home and in with one of my best friends. I lived with him and his partner for 10 months. There were some issues but nothing overly major. I moved back home a few months after their daughter was born, as i felt like that was the right thing to do, they had just become a family. I had my own other reasons for moving out too but that’s the only one that counts.
I lived back with my family happily for the next year. I was happy and work was great! Then one of my other friends approached me about moving in with him and his girlfriend. I spent a bit of time thinking about it, and in reality should have thought about it harder. I agreed and we moved into this huge place. It’s too big really, the upkeep is so frustrating. It’s expensive, anyone who knows me knows money isn’t really a problem at the moment, but I hate that it cost so much.
Which brings us to today. I got home from work and everyone had, had their dinner. Which isn’t unusual, but there was none left for me and there would normally be. No one bothered to message me saying “hey, sorry didn’t have enough for dinner, if you wanna get something on the way home”, and I would have been fine with that. Instead i get in and there’s nothing with no explanation. So i had peanut butter on toast.
For the last couple of months now ive felt unwanted, and uncomfortable being here. I know they only wanted me to move with them for financial reasons. Which I am fully aware of now. But it would be nice to have some courtesy, as we are all “adults” here.
I feel alone, depressed, anxious and honestly run down, emotionally and physically. I spent a few nights at my parents this last week while they were away. It was so nice to be away and in what feels like “home” to me. Plus I really wanted to spend some time with my cat, Chief.
Also this week, Pokemon go finally came out! I was so excited when I heard the news. I went out with my best mate and went hunting for Pokemon, 2 nights in a row! It was so much fun and honestly the best ive felt in months. It was so good to be out with friends, doing something we love! It’s been a long time since we’ve been able to do something like that.
We have created a Facebook page and a group chat and its so good to be apart of something and actually want to be active on it. unfortunately as i write this, they are all out hunting Pokemon and im laying in bed writing this story because i have work tomorrow. “I know, gotta work to live”.
As I sit here writing, i think about how good it is to write this and put my feelings somewhere other than in my head. Because i have an active mind, i find it hard to shut off and i am always worried. Worried that im gonna get yelled at again for something trivial, worried that i am been spoken horribly about behind my back, which, let’s be honest, is probably happening right now. But that’s fine, people are entitled to their own opinions and thoughts. I don’t have to be liked by everyone. All i want is some normality to my life again.
I can’t keep working so much to try to forget about my life outside of work. Because there are lots of things I enjoy doing but i always feel so trapped and that i cant do them. I long for the end of this lease so i can move back home again and start living. I’ll be 25 this year and i don’t want to waste another second of my life on this pointless stress.
If I was to leave any message for people, it would be this. Don’t move out of home with a couple, no matter what. It is not worth the stress. Stay at home, study, work and save. Go overseas, do everything you want to while you’re young. Dont get caught up in all this.
My brother said to me the other night that he’s thinking of moving in with some friends in a year or two and all I could say to him was “don’t repeat my mistakes, stay at home for as long as possible!”
I’m lucky that I always have the option of moving back home, because i know a lot of people don’t have that. I don’t think my parents ever wanted me to move out at all, and i understand why now. They were trying to protect me from things like this, because surely they would understand how stressed out i can get.
Stress has always played a major role in my life. Although I have always strived to not let it cripple me. I have accomplished so much in the past and i cant let stress get the better of me now. We are supposed to improved as we get older, not regress.
My cousin laid something out for me last week, in a way that I had never thought of before. At the age of 11, I had attained my black belt in World Taekwondo. Shortly after that, my instructor started getting me to teach other people at my gym. Which was a huge step as i had always had problems being in front of people. But hell, i trusted the man, after all he had been training me at that point for 5 years. I got up there and bit by bit my confidence grew. At age 13 my instructor said to me, im going to start training you to become a second dan black belt, which was a huge deal. As no junior black had ever reached that level before. So sure enough for the next year, i trained and man was it intense. I was training sometimes 6 nights a week.
Fast forward to the next year and here I am, a 14-year-old boy who is still being severely bullied at school, standing in front of the master and the judges panel. The only person going for second dan that day. I was positioned at the front, directly in front of the master ( I’m certain this was a scare tactic ). Behind me are 12 red belts going for their black belts, some of which I helped train.
After what felt like forever and the most intense exam of my life, I was awarded my new black belt with 2 gold stripes. I was and as far as I know, still am the youngest to gain this level. Even though i havent done it in years now, it is to this day, my biggest achievement.
So, back on track. My cousin said to me, if I was able to stand up then, at 11 and teach adults and then stand alone at 14 and gain my second dan black belt, then I shouldnt have a confidence problem. I should be strong and ready all the time. He said it in a way that i had never thought before. I suppose when you do something yourself, you don’t see it from other people’s perspectives.
It has made me think quite a lot and it makes perfect sense. I wish I could have thought of this years ago, but after all I have been through, i am in ways very defeated. I don’t allow people to see me that way if i can help it. In fact there’s only a few people who i trust enough to speak to about anything real. My closest friends know the most about me and they know how much I’ve been through, but they have their own lives and don’t ever expect them to stop and see if im ok every other day.
I think about my friends a lot though, I wonder how they are and what they’ve been up to. I wanna know if they are ok. I do my best to keep in contact with everyone but we all have full-time jobs so its easy to get distracted.
I have been tempted to go see someone and find out if I really do have anxiety because im beginning to feel like i do, a couple of times this week i felt like a panic attack was coming on. But in all honestly, i don’t know who to see about that. A doctor?
I just want to be happy and stress free. I don’t feel like that’s too much to ask. But hey, the universe does weird things and I guess this is a good learning experience none the less, no matter how horrible i feel right now. If i survive the next 7 months living here, which at times i feel like i wont, i know I’ll be a lot stronger. Well at least i hope so!
I just look forward to stability, and not dreading the thought of coming home. It’s an awful thing when you don’t want to be in a place you’re supposed to call “home”. It’s a sickening feeling, and I do, i feel sick all the time. This isn’t healthy so please, no one else make my mistakes. Do what is right in the long run, do whatever is good for you, and most of all make the most out of life, don’t be afraid to live.
So here’s my final word. If I could go back in time and change things, I would only change this year. I would stop myself from moving into this house. I would stay at home and be happy. Because here I am, a man who feels all alone.