Courage

Courage is described as “the ability to do something that frightens one; bravery.”
How does one find the courage to do something that frightens them?
Courage comes from within, when you know in yourself 100% that you can do whatever it is that frightens you. Sometimes courage can be found with a little nudge from a friend.
Most of us don’t think of ourselves as brave people. Yet that’s exactly who we are. If you reflect on your life, one decade at a time, and write down your bravery, I’m sure you’d be surprised.
Everyone possesses the ability to be brave, but our mind gets in the way, afraid of what “might” happen other than what the best outcome will be.
It is natural to be nervous or scared of certain things. Whether its a test at school or a difficult discussion, between loved ones or work colleagues.
We have all been in a situation before where we are so scared to deal with what “might” happen. You just have to believe in yourself that you can do it, and you will!
Life has many hurdles that we must cross in order to get to what we want. When YOU decide to stand up and do what you have to do, you will see that things can and will be better.
No one else can do this for you unfortunately, but these moments will make you stronger.
We all have tough and scary decisions to make in life and that’s just a part of life. But you have to believe in yourself, because you know other people believe in you.

Let go of your self doubt and believe that you can do it. We all have the ability to be strong and brave. Believe in yourself and you are invincible.
If you have the ability to be kind to others when you have experienced so much pain, then you are the bravest and best of us all.

Important things in life.

Hey everyone!

So I had no intentions of writing today but I had a random thought that I felt I needed to get out.

There are some things in life that are so important. Things that only certain people can offer you. Like an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. Someone to cheer you up when you need it most.

Life can be pretty tough and some people have been dealt a pretty crappy card. I believe it’s important to have someone that you can talk to. Some times the best thing you can do for someone is just sit and listen.

I have many occasions where I have needed that and there isn’t always someone around who is willing to just listen, and I know what its like to go through tough times and all you need is someone there to just vent it out.

I do that for so many people, and I never expect anything from it. I just like to be there for the people who need it. Just remember that everyone has their own demons and some of them may seem insignificant to you but to that person it is something serious.

Instead of being a judgmental person, let them tell you what’s going on. You may make the difference in their life, even if its just for a second.

Life is Good!

Hey everyone!

Welcome back to another one of my silly little blogs. Hope you have all been well!

Since my last post a few months ago, things have really picked up. Not going to lie, times there were pretty damn tough but life only gets better so they say.

In the last two months things have definitely improved in all aspects of my life. I have received a temporary promotion at work, which is great because I’m learning a lot of new things. My boss seems to be happy with the way I am doing things which is fantastic, considering I’m the youngest person at my site!

Things at home have picked up a lot too, finally! I don’t feel stressed out or depressed or anxious at the moment and it is blissful! I can happily say that life has been great.

I’m still going ahead with my plans to move back home after my lease expires because I know that things will always be good there. I also have a holiday planned for next year and thinking of doing a second one!

I’ve started back up on YouTube too. It feels so good to be back at it! I have a few things planned which I think will be awesome, so hopefully you will too! I have quite a creative mind these days. creativity just flows when I’m in a good head space. Quite often it will come when I’m trying to sleep, which can be a bit annoying especially when I have to get up at 0630 for work, but oh well, I’m not gonna complain about that.

So I will leave you here for this post, I will try and write more often because I do like to write, It’s another creative outlet for me!

Until next time, take care!

Hello! It’s me again!

Hey everyone,

I know my recent post was pretty bleak, but I felt like I needed to get things out and I quite enjoyed writing about it too. So I thought I would do some more writing tonight.

I had a fairly rough day today, following everything I wrote yesterday, today was not in any way better. I was stressed and down all day at work. Barely talking and barely keeping my cool, which isn’t great when you’re a carer! At one point I took a 5 minute breather to meditate, yes I meditate. I am very new to this practise so in all honesty I’m probably doing it wrong, but none the less I felt a bit better after. I have an overly active mind which of course, courses me to over think and over analyse everything!

So I find that taking just 5 minutes to focus on a piece of music helps quieten the noise in my head. It really is a beautiful thing, to find peace, even it is just for a couple of minutes. As I write this I’m listening to my current favourite piece, here’s the link if you would like to listen to it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FnTblrR6v94

Its a beautiful piece. There’s something about Celtic music that is truly beautiful! To anyone that needs to find peace, I find Celtic music to be the best, but that’s just my opinion, don’t hold me to that!

So I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I hope to sleep in a bit and then get out and catch some more Pokémon in Pokémon Go! All my friends have been out while I’ve been working and over taken me, so I need to catch up! I feel like, by living here it’s kind of like a prison because if I lived at home I would of just gone out both nights and not been too worried, but with my mental state in the place that it is, I am too exhausted to do anything.

I came home again to no dinner, without even a message. I’ve been feeling so crap all day, even though I am starving, I don’t feel like eating. But on my way home, I stopped and picked up a box of crackers and 2 sarsaparillas! So that should fulfil my hunger for now I think.

I find myself slipping away from myself at this time. I begin to feel less like the person I want to be and forced into this bitter man. It’s the same kind of bitterness I felt working in fast food and being treated like crap by everyone, except this time, I’m not being paid to be treated like crap. I know a lot of people feel this kind of pain and things even worse, but I feel that writing this makes me get it out of my head a bit. And if someone reads it then bonus lol.

When I was writing my story out last night, I was so enveloped in it that I didn’t even realise it was almost 2,000 words long! Something that I struggled with in school was nothing last night. But I suppose when you’re writing about something that actually means something it is easier to keep on writing.

I do hope to start getting back into my YouTube videos again soon, I just need some time. I have some ideas in mind and ill probably talk about this somewhere in there too.

But for now I shall sign off, I need some sleep! So I will write to you all again soon. Take care x

What a tough year.

So it’s been a pretty tough year. I moved out of home again with 2 “friends”. All started off well for the first couple of months, until we went on our holiday to Queensland. The holiday was great for the first 4 days, then it got shit. Nothing was good enough, I was treated like a child, from someone only 12 months older than me. So for the next 10 days, i did my best to keep to myself until we finally headed home.

I was so glad to be back and into my own space again. But nothing ever works out that way.

Our first house inspection came and after 8-9 hours of solid work i thought i was done, until a massive argument occurred. I was so angry. I held onto that anger for a whole week which made me physically ill.

Now im not a person who gets angry easily, well not anymore. From a young age, when I first started school i was heavily bullied. This went on for 10 years, which at the age of 15, i had enough. So i got mad, and very mad. I was always angry and it didn’t take much to set me off either. That anger followed me into my adulthood, when i worked full-time at Red Rooster. It’s not just me saying this, but every customer seems to treat you like shit, like you’re a piece of garbage. Which never made sense to me because i was making their food. I could have done anything to it!

So when I transitioned into being a carer for the disabled i re learned, patience and tolerance. And after quite a while i finally let my anger go. I had never been freer than i was then.

In early 2014 I moved out of home and in with one of my best friends. I lived with him and his partner for 10 months. There were some issues but nothing overly major. I moved back home a few months after their daughter was born, as i felt like that was the right thing to do, they had just become a family. I had my own other reasons for moving out too but that’s the only one that counts.

I lived back with my family happily for the next year. I was happy and work was great! Then one of my other friends approached me about moving in with him and his girlfriend. I spent a bit of time thinking about it, and in reality should have thought about it harder. I agreed and we moved into this huge place. It’s too big really, the upkeep is so frustrating. It’s expensive, anyone who knows me knows money isn’t really a problem at the moment, but I hate that it cost so much.

Which brings us to today. I got home from work and everyone had, had their dinner. Which isn’t unusual, but there was none left for me and there would normally be. No one bothered to message me saying “hey, sorry didn’t have enough for dinner, if you wanna get something on the way home”, and I would have been fine with that. Instead i get in and there’s nothing with no explanation. So i had peanut butter on toast.

For the last couple of months now ive felt unwanted, and uncomfortable being here. I know they only wanted me to move with them for financial reasons. Which I am fully aware of now. But it would be nice to have some courtesy, as we are all “adults” here.

I feel alone, depressed, anxious and honestly run down, emotionally and physically. I spent a few nights at my parents this last week while they were away. It was so nice to be away and in what feels like “home” to me. Plus I really wanted to spend some time with my cat, Chief.

Also this week, Pokemon go finally came out! I was so excited when I heard the news. I went out with my best mate and went hunting for Pokemon, 2 nights in a row! It was so much fun and honestly the best ive felt in months. It was so good to be out with friends, doing something we love! It’s been a long time since we’ve been able to do something like that.

We have created a Facebook page and a group chat and its so good to be apart of something and actually want to be active on it. unfortunately as i write this, they are all out hunting Pokemon and im laying in bed writing this story because i have work tomorrow. “I know, gotta work to live”.

As I sit here writing, i think about how good it is to write this and put my feelings somewhere other than in my head. Because i have an active mind, i find it hard to shut off and i am always worried. Worried that im gonna get yelled at again for something trivial, worried that i am been spoken horribly about behind my back, which, let’s be honest, is probably happening right now. But that’s fine, people are entitled to their own opinions and thoughts. I don’t have to be liked by everyone. All i want is some normality to my life again.

I can’t keep working so much to try to forget about my life outside of work. Because there are lots of things I enjoy doing but i always feel so trapped and that i cant do them. I long for the end of this lease so i can move back home again and start living. I’ll be 25 this year and i don’t want to waste another second of my life on this pointless stress.

If I was to leave any message for people, it would be this. Don’t move out of home with a couple, no matter what. It is not worth the stress. Stay at home, study, work and save. Go overseas, do everything you want to while you’re young. Dont get caught up in all this.

My brother said to me the other night that he’s thinking of moving in with some friends in a year or two and all I could say to him was “don’t repeat my mistakes, stay at home for as long as possible!”

I’m lucky that I always have the option of moving back home, because i know a lot of people don’t have that. I don’t think my parents ever wanted me to move out at all, and i understand why now. They were trying to protect me from things like this, because surely they would understand how stressed out i can get.

Stress has always played a major role in my life. Although I have always strived to not let it cripple me. I have accomplished so much in the past and i cant let stress get the better of me now. We are supposed to improved as we get older, not regress.

My cousin laid something out for me last week, in a way that I had never thought of before. At the age of 11, I had attained my black belt in World Taekwondo. Shortly after that, my instructor started getting me to teach other people at my gym. Which was a huge step as i had always had problems being in front of people. But hell, i trusted the man, after all he had been training me at that point for 5 years. I got up there and bit by bit my confidence grew. At age 13 my instructor said to me, im going to start training you to become a second dan black belt, which was a huge deal. As no junior black had ever reached that level before. So sure enough for the next year, i trained and man was it intense. I was training sometimes 6 nights a week.

Fast forward to the next year and here I am, a 14-year-old boy who is still being severely bullied at school, standing in front of the master and the judges panel. The only person going for second dan that day. I was positioned at the front, directly in front of the master ( I’m certain this was a scare tactic ). Behind me are 12 red belts going for their black belts, some of which I helped train.

After what felt like forever and the most intense exam of my life, I was awarded my new black belt with 2 gold stripes. I was and as far as I know, still am the youngest to gain this level. Even though i havent done it in years now, it is to this day, my biggest achievement.

So, back on track. My cousin said to me, if I was able to stand up then, at 11 and teach adults and then stand alone at 14 and gain my second dan black belt, then I shouldnt have a confidence problem. I should be strong and ready all the time. He said it in a way that i had never thought before. I suppose when you do something yourself, you don’t see it from other people’s perspectives.

It has made me think quite a lot and it makes perfect sense. I wish I could have thought of this years ago, but after all I have been through, i am in ways very defeated. I don’t allow people to see me that way if i can help it. In fact there’s only a few people who i trust enough to speak to about anything real. My closest friends know the most about me and they know how much I’ve been through, but they have their own lives and don’t ever expect them to stop and see if im ok every other day.

I think about my friends a lot though, I wonder how they are and what they’ve been up to. I wanna know if they are ok. I do my best to keep in contact with everyone but we all have full-time jobs so its easy to get distracted.

I have been tempted to go see someone and find out if I really do have anxiety because im beginning to feel like i do, a couple of times this week i felt like a panic attack was coming on. But in all honestly, i don’t know who to see about that. A doctor?

I just want to be happy and stress free. I don’t feel like that’s too much to ask. But hey, the universe does weird things and I guess this is a good learning experience none the less, no matter how horrible i feel right now. If i survive the next 7 months living here, which at times i feel like i wont, i know I’ll be a lot stronger. Well at least i hope so!

I just look forward to stability, and not dreading the thought of coming home. It’s an awful thing when you don’t want to be in a place you’re supposed to call “home”. It’s a sickening feeling, and I do, i feel sick all the time. This isn’t healthy so please, no one else make my mistakes. Do what is right in the long run, do whatever is good for you, and most of all make the most out of life, don’t be afraid to live.

So here’s my final word. If I could go back in time and change things, I would only change this year. I would stop myself from moving into this house. I would stay at home and be happy. Because here I am, a man who feels all alone.

 

 

Friendships….

I know it’s been a while since i’ve written a blog but I’m back with a new one for you all.

Friendships are tough, as i sit here listening to music thinking about the friendships i have, an idea sprung to mind.

Some friendships you have will last a life time, some will whither with time and some will fade completely. I have had many friends over the years and many of them i no longer have contact with. And that’s ok because life gets busy and people move on.

I currently have around 6 friends and a few of them i see myself being friends with forever. Others on the other hand like to mooch and treat you like shit thinking that that is alright. I currently am going through a difficult time with one in particular. He seems to think that being an asshole makes him cool. Not only does he give me the shits but he also treats everyone else around him like crap. That’s not alright at all, and im getting to the point where i cant handle it anymore. I’m getting far too old to deal with juvenile behaviour.

Saying goodbye to someone can be hard but i know there’s gonna be a time where i can’t take it anymore and probably just snap and say thats it. It’s probably safe to say that everyone has been through something like this before. Sometimes in life it doesn’t matter what you do for someone it is never good enough. I’ve had experiences in this with my past relationships as well.

The saying “life is too short” is quite true. As i’ve aged i have noticed life going by faster and faster. I don’t like it one bit, but there is no place for negative people in your life. Why be treated like crap and held back when you could be experiencing life to the fullest with people who not only appreciate you but lift you up and help you become better.

I don’t know if i have reached a point here but i really just needed to vent. I’m not a cynical person and i don’t want to feel held back. I’ve always been a supportive friend and when that gets thrown back in my face, I think I’m entitled to get a little peeved off.

So that’s all i’ll say on the matter, if anyone has any opinions please feel free to leave them in the comments.

Happy birthday, if it’s your birthday.